Nelson's Column had gone and there would be no outcry, because there was no one left to make an outcry. If she doesnt feel comfortable coming out to you, then its clear that shes not ready for the world to know yet, either. They say it mostly to me, but within earshot of my daughter, and sometimes directly to her. Dear Care and Feeding, My brother "John" and his wife have three children. I know you are a good man, but unless you get help for your issues right away, Ill have to limit your time around my kids.. And if she does mean what shes saying, I want to be able to help her. During the pandemic,. Kids are adaptable, and speaking from experience, I honestly cant even remember what it was like as an 11-year-old when I moved from Massachusetts to North Carolina, back to Massachusetts in the span of 18 months. Now hes dropping F-bombs constantly. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Have a question for Care and Feeding? At the young age of four, she can be downright stunning. As for how you build and nourish a good, happy life for your children, youre already working on that. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. I know you love my kids, but I cant have them live with the fear I had all of my life around you. Even visits to the pediatrician were sad and depressing. My husband thinks itd be cute, I have heard testimony from (perhaps overdramatic) identical twins telling me being named Anna and Hannah ruined their lives. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. My son recently received an award at work, which was presented at a dinner. The other is a private college 45 minutes away. This should ideally be a conversation, not a lecture or an argument. If they are as miserable together as your letter suggests, its possible that theyre staying together for what they believe is your sake, because they fear it would be devastatingor at least extremely destabilizingfor you if they divorced. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Ask our columnists a question here! They've tried counseling and nothing seems to work. Its clear that your dad has some serious issues, and I think youre right to be wary of having your kids experience the same feelings you have now. Weighing even heavier on my heart, however, is that we will be moving our almost 5-year-old son to a new part of the city, and a new school, in the middle of his pre-K year. My opinion is that you shouldnt police the behavior of people being kind to your child. He asks for privacy when he does, and I say sure. slate advice columns care and feeding. I would cry, avoid, and hed eventually apologize and say hed try harder. (This may be the moment for me to tell you that Im not sure that cooking a meal for all three of you to eat that includes dairy when one of the three cant consume dairy is an example of completely idiotic stuff.). Of course children must be given tools to cope with emotionally abusive parents. slate advice columns care and feeding. My husband runs his own business and works crazy hours. No matter what, dont let this slide. Not to use a popular buzz phrase, but your role in this is to provide psychological safety and reassure him that everything will be OK, because it will be. Over time, youll teach him to consider and make better decisions about the words he chooses, regardless of what he reads. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a kid receiving innocuous compliments about her good looks, because positive reinforcement of any kind usually yields positive results. I let him play with my old, no longer used gloves of all kinds. The thing is, Im also really worried about my dads health. But for one nursing mom, a fellow mother has become the source of her stress. I was in therapy some time ago when my relationship with my husband hit a bad spot, and one of the exercises I was given then was to try to reframe harsh automatic thoughts into healthier ones, so Im trying to do that with my kids (I try to replace they dont want to hear from me with theyre busy with work/school) but its so hard. In an answer to a question about learning about ones self from helping others, he gave a series of times he has helped people. Of course, if you see that your son is showing major behavioral red flags for an extended period of time (acting out, violent behavior, self-harm, etc.) I know families have trouble with names all the time, but Ive never heard of a situation like ours. Your baby is HUGE! I dont think she has a chance of making this team. Some days wont be so great, and youll get up the next day and take another shot at it. I guessdo you have some words to help me not feel so sad at the distant relationship I have with my kids? I apologize for second-guessingI am, after all, an outsider!but everything you report is something youve been told by a 14-year-old; youve reported nothing youve observed directly. Were having a harder time coming up with names for our twins, in large part because my husband wants names that sound similar. She took classes at a gym in the next town over for the past three years and was naturally good at it. Im sure many of the readers of this column have beautiful daughters. Help us keep giving the advice you crave every week. (In other words: there is no one right way to handle this! If you missed Mondays column,read it here. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! Take the nice words graciously, dont make a big production of it, and move on with your day. Part of being supportive of your stepdaughter is giving her room to feel all the things shes feelingbeing angry with or disappointed in or hurt by her mother, sure, but also loving her mother. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. Uh, No Thanks. But more importantly, let your actions toward them show who you really are. Let your husband know you need privacy when youre on a phone or video session with your therapist. (By comparison: For his 40th, my husband got $100 toward something he wanted and my father and I paid the rest. Or ladybugs. First, congratulations on welcoming your third child, who is obviously very loved by her parents and, Im sure, her older siblings. Although he gets good grades, we fight all the time over schoolwork. If so, I would do whatever it takes to figure out what that is. I Despise My In-Laws. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Sure, theres a chancebut what if she actually harbored some dark thoughts and acted on them? We have tried instilling the fact that her inside beauty is more important than the outside. All rights reserved. (Questions may be edited for publication.). I Despise My In-Laws. To be honest, I cant tell for sure. The night of the dinner, she seemed hesitant about leaving and told me to text her if he was refusing a bottle, reminding me that she could be home in 20 minutes if needed. But her relationship with her biological mom is strained and only seems to be getting worse. I dont have any resentment but I do have a lot of hard knocks now. Its anonymous! Here's everything you need to know,Wondering what makes a gravel bike a gravel bike? I cant stand to read baby announcements. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Let him cry, let him yell, let him say that he hates you and this decisionbecause it all comes with the package of a small human expressing his displeasure. Slate has a parenting advice column called Care and Feeding. You have to use headphones.". My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. Answer: Join Slate Plus. When we spend so much of our time online, we're bound to learn something while clicking and scrolling . Over the last five years, she has regularly told our kids Im manipulative, criticized my relationship choices (to them, never directly to me), and told them they arent a priority to me (which they very much are). If you need to talk, or if you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, text theCrisis Text Lineat 741-741 or call or text 988 to reach theSuicide & Crisis Lifeline. Dear Care and. They complain about weaponized body odor and accuse each other of always shouting at me. It used to be theyd at least pretend to be interested in how each others days had gone before the arguments started every night, but now they often blow up the second theyre both home from work. On a handful of occasions, I have been her target, something she has never acknowledged or apologized for. He was raised by his great grandparents and when they passed three years ago, my son-in-law inherited that house, where all 4 had been living. Id also find out more about why shes considering commuting to collegeshe must have her reasons, and maybe some of those are reasons you could try to understand and respect, even if you still dont agree. I will tell you that if I were your 35-year-old and Id said, Ive got to go now or Ill be late for work, but Ill call you this weekend, OK? and you said, No, lets just wait until I call you in two weeks, I would have been hurt. Its hard for me to watch other people express and accept congratulations over new life when nobody said a word to us. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! My wife feels strongly that this is a kind of appropriation, and that this title should be something special for my mother. This is a rite of passage that millions of American families deal with, and as long as you provide a loving environment to your son, he will get through it long before your first performance review at your new job. But your obligation to your 5-year-old child, to his mental and emotional health and well-being, outweighs your obligation to a grown adulteven a parent. But where your daughters are concerned, Id suggest you be frank with them about your wish to connect with them. Please dont do that either. We did dishes so the kitchen sink could be used to wash our hands, piles of laundry so we could access the washer to wash wet items from the basement, and picked up five bags of trash and four of recycling so we could walk around the house. We received pitying text messages and notes of condolence. I love them both very much! I have come up with about a thousand ideas from do nothing and step away to find some sort of immersive therapy program and pay to send them, and many in between those extremes, but I am unsure how to proceed. Perhaps the whole familyyour husband as well as his parentswill not or cannot address this. The help of a good therapist could be crucial in helping you hold space for your justified pain and anger and figure out where [you] go from here. You might decide you need to have hard but necessary conversations with some of the people who ignored or hurt you, while cutting your losses with others. It may very well be that her mother is being verbally/emotionally abusive. Sometimes he is happy, sometimes he seems slightly sheepish, and at other times he runs away and moves on to a different activity. She should be intrinsically motivated to do whatever it takes to provide for her family and live on her own as someone who has been an adult for 17 years. Photos by polkadot and denisik11/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Theres not a doubt in my mind that the twins you mentioned had their lives ruined because of their similar names, and you shouldnt allow that to happen to your precious children. And you didnt do that. But, in general, that "demand" is coming from a little one. He had frequent outbursts, consisting of yelling and swearing. Now our son keeps saying f*ing sh*t. Weve tried telling him we dont say bad words like what Daddy said, but that didnt work. Let them know that you can see how unhappy their marriage is (you can offer chapter and verse), that its making you miserable to be living in the midst of it, and that you want them to know that you would be happier and overall much better off if they separated. As I see it, one possibility of your calling them out on their ugliness to each other and how its affecting you will be a wake-up call. After these encounters, I always remind her of her inner beauty, her kindness, and her loving heart. My husband is obviously hurt by this, but he doesnt like to talk about it. Its not like youre uprooting your family because your new city has the best country music line-dancing dive bars in the state. By that time, though, my son and DIL were going to be home in an hour anyway, so I just held him while he cried and did my best to comfort him. All rights reserved. It is beyond ridiculous, and I am sick of it. Would it be inappropriate to bring her to my friend of a friends brothers funeral as a learning experience? Including the parenting and rules I have for her children. What is a gravel bike? (Questions may be edited for publication.). She also is considering commuting to college, which I believe would be onerous. I guess Im askingare the books the problem? I have a 3-year-old who is obsessed with gloves. Her mom and I have been divorced for 10 years and her mom believes whatever my daughter wants, she should get. Photo illustration by Slate. Example: They are teaching students to do math a certain way, but he can do it in his head, so Whats the point of doing it like that if I can just do it and get the right answer my way? Same thing with spelling. Have a question for Care and Feeding? But I think it is for the wrong reasons. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Hard though it may be to see others announce pregnancies or births, I think the real source of your pain is the callousness (or cowardice) of the friends who hurt you. I know that sounds trite, but honestly what else can you tell them? Ive tried incentives, but he was never reward-oriented. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. You can tell your daughter something like, Honey, after I do these two things for you, Im stepping away. Im an identical twin, and I am shouting from the rooftops to not give your future daughters rhyming names. It also seems to me important to point out that if Daisys mother and father have joint custody, the time she spends with her mother is not visiting. Daisy has two homes. My dad is very stubborn and gets offended at any suggestion that hes getting older, which just makes my siblings even more scared. If what shes doing has escalated to emotional abuse, that could also damage your sons behavior and development, his self-esteem, and his ability to feel safe and loved. Most of the time you hear of parents who each have ideas for names that the other parent always shoots down. How can I comfort my siblings when Im as scared as they are? That certainly applies here. They live. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Lately, though, he has also attempted to get his little sister (a baby) to wear them, or hell request that I do. Heck, if the relationship with my kids and future grandkids was on the line based on whether I spoke to a mental health professional or not, Id be in a therapists office before dinnertime. Your temper and outbursts really had a negative impact on my life, and its taking all of the courage I can muster as a grown adult to talk to you about this today. Otherwise, I think, you can say goodbye to that plan. Each day they do a different task with their word list. Well-intentioned friends make comments like, Wow! Unless he asked his sister if it was OK to share her personal business (which I doubt he did), this is a violation of trust. (Questions may be edited for publication.). Here's the lowdown As thrilled as I am for this new role and a bigger apartment, I am devastated to be leaving the community we have built. Charlie did not use any of the teacher's examples, and instead wrote a paper . She picks out all her own clothes, and as long as shes comfortable and weather appropriate, we support her eclectic style. And, I remind you, I am 64 years old. I honestly dont know. I am single and have a small home of about 800 square feet. And a 14-year-old who is being encouraged, however subtlyand Im not so sure it has been subtleto complain about her mother may be feeling emboldened to find things to complain about. What you do not want to do is make them responsible for your feelingsi.e., dump your feelings on them. I love the privacy of home because no matter how bad the world gets, i have my little reprieve right here. countries. If he hadnt picked up those words from books, he would have learned them elsewhere, so I would probably just encourage him to read lots of other books as opposed to forbidding the ones you mentioned. Photo illustration by Slate. If your goal is to help them to achieve a level of independence, it will never happen if you keep swooping in to save them. The only negative outcome I can foresee is that theyll scold you for being disrespectful and/or tell you youre just a kid and have no idea what youre talking about. My wife (26) and I (24) are expecting our first kid. I expect youll eventually find that you have others in your corner, friends who will relate to and understand and support your family, who will care enough to learn what they dont know, who will see and love and celebrate your child and all of you as you are. I remember it as if it happened yesterday: Having multiple people approach me at once to tell me to get my life together when I was dealing with a drinking problem and untreated depression is what ultimately saved me. If you missed Fridays Care and Feeding column,read it here. But like I said, I really dont think it will come to any of that. The baby fought a bit and ended up having only half of his first bottle. Even if your MIL were right about him needing more help or support, the course would then be for her to discuss this calmly and respectfully with you, not try to intimidate him into being whatever her version of an ideal 5-year-old is. WhichI am just guessing heremight also be the case. It happens to the best of us at that age (and a month isnt so long! Where do we go from here? Sign up for Slate Plus now. Recently, a flood of race-centered questions has taken center stage in the column. I dont think this is going to change and I am bereft about it. Probably the most important thing is youre almost 65 years old. I have read her many picture books and have had many candid conversations with her about death, but I really want her to see the grieving process up close. 10. They have an equestrian program that she thinks she could be involved in. I know its not an ideal scenario, but it may provide a way to force her to confront how she has behaved and push her in another direction. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. I understand his love of peace and quiet, but he has told me he is done with going out. that your husband has youand your family, it sounds likewhile they continue to take care of their troubled adult daughter. Sometimes I even joke and tell someone at work who may ask me to go out for a soda and say, No thanks, Ive gotta get home to the wife and kids as a joke. They have insurance so the basement restoration will happen. If you want to be the one who cares for that child two days a week when his mother goes back to work, youll have to be able to convince her that youll handle things the way she wants them handled, not the way you think is best. Hopefully that will be the case with your dad as well. Nelson's Column had gone! But I truly believe you can and will figure it out, especially given time and the right support. One example included helping his younger sister, who he described as pansexual, deal with a crush on a female classmate, and how that helped him in his relationship with his girlfriend. He LOVES his class and his teacher, and he has so many friends in the neighborhood. He gagged and spit up. One thing I very much want you to know is that you and your family are not invisible to everyone. I never want them to feel the fear that I had. How online advice columns teach us to tell our own stories. Intentions arent everything. Put bluntly, shes flat out disrespecting you. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? (And if you cant bear to be around your sister-in-law, dont. They average a screaming match a day, often over completely idiotic stuff like one of them walking too fast for the other to keep up with, or cooking with cheese when the other has a dairy intolerance. During the pandemic, one of the volunteers has started a Zoom book club for kids in second and third grade. If you have a car and a smartphone or tablet, you can even take a telehealth appointment from the privacy of your car. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. My son went in with her and came out a few minutes later and told me I should go home. Yesterday, one of my stepbrothers and the older of my half sisters told me that they were really scared that Dad was going to die soon. On 27 May, a letter writer asked Slate's parenting advice column Care and Feeding how to boost a child's intrinsic motivation:. Tell your children that you only want for them to have a great relationship with both of their parents and that you would not go out of your way to challenge their mother unless you absolutely had to, which in this case, you do. $549,500 Last Sold Price. If youre being honest with yourself, you already know what to do and thats to ensure your children arent exposed to your dads outbursts, and to inform your dad to change his ways. Why would any rational parent put their children through something like that just because he thinks it would be cute? Maybe they wont end their marriage but will be so ashamed of themselves, theyll do better after that. Speaking from experience, I would keep an eye for additional warning signs like isolation, self-harm, disinterest in activities she used to enjoy, etc. Slate, which launched its first advicecolumn, Dear Prudence, in 1997, has seen notable traffic around advice and noticed positive upticks in its business' bottom line. Ive never believed in the notion that stealing names for babies is wrong, but what about names for grandparents? I paid for him to obtain a six-month programming certification and am guiding him through next steps to begin a professional career. So, what could you say when youre ready? Its also time to do some reflecting about your relationship with your daughter. and then ensure she sees a mental health professional immediately. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Ask him to use headphones while he works or watches TV or listens to music while you are with your therapist. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. All rights reserved. There was a long pause and then she said shed have to think about it. Now I wonder if she thought I was putting off talking to her because of her request for boundaries. - Slate November 7, 2022 by Schools Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Yes, theres a strong chance that your son will be upset at first, but if hes as outgoing as you say he is, then its highly likely he will make new friends fairly quickly. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. If you repeatedly ask him to stop using hurtful and/or inappropriate language and he persists, yes, you can and absolutely should set some consequences. Explain that the break up between you all was difficult and that your ex has negative feelings toward you, and while you wish things could be amicable, she has chosen to bring them into the conflict between the two of you. When they got home, they were apologetic that he hadnt gone to sleep the way he usually does by that time, and I said he was probably a little hungry because he had only had half of his first bottle and hadnt taken the second. What should I do? It begins in a month and commuting through the end of the school year is not really feasible for me, so were moving the weekend before I start (me, husband, and son). Ive always been of the mind that regardless of whatever bad feelings there are between me and my ex, it is in our kids best interests to maintain a relationship with both parents. I find myself going back and forth about how I feel (but also less concerned about the former, more about the latter). My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. My husband and I feel overwhelmed and scared, but we love our daughter unconditionally and feel determined to build a fun, fulfilling, and happy life for our family. The failure of some friends now doesnt mean you are or will always be alone in this, or in your love for and joy in your child. But my son said that for now theyd like some space, and hed like me to apologize to my DIL when we do get together. Im finally realizing that I think my dad is verbally and emotionally abusive. Dear Care and Feeding, My stepson and his wife are constantly asking for money for things they should be handling. I am intimately familiar with trying to replace she doesnt want to talk to me with shes busy, and I learned a long time agolong before I had a grown-up daughter, back when I was the grown-up daughter and my father wouldnt think twice about sending me the sort of link (if hed known how to send a link) you sent your kidthat if you want to have a good relationship with adult children, you should assume competency and never offer advice unless asked for it. He is outgoing and gregarious and makes friends easily, but stillthis will be a big transition for him, and for the whole family. You say your husband is obviously hurt by his parents seeming to favor his sister, but unless he has told you that, I think youre projecting. As a former suicide survivor, this triggers some powerful emotions in me. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! Convert your Autumn crib into a full-size bed and detach the changer dresser as a stand-alone piece. So why doesnt that include getting help for his anger and behavioral issues? I can say this honestly and without bias. Forgiveness is a cornerstone of the faith. How To Do It. Have a question for Care and Feeding? She has been publishing "Nicole Knows," a potpourri of beauty, pop culture and general life observations and advice since February 2018. I Despise My In-Laws. But I say all of this with the shadow of your depression over it. This may also help give you confidence around speaking with your dad. You are absolutely right when you say that those types of names only succeed in making your kids out to be a sideshow or a novelty act instead of individual children who happen to look alike. Perhaps in the future you might say something to the effect of Whatever works for you! Submit it hereor post it in theSlate Parenting Facebook group. Or (for all you know) they have, to no avail. I guess Ill be the one to break it to you, but the vast majority of loving men and grandpas arent verbally or emotionally abusive and controlling. Photo by Getty Images Plus. I figured if he was hungry and didnt have his mother around as an option, hed do better with the second one later. How should we prepare him? ), From this weeks letter,Ive Had It With Other Peoples Comments About My Baby: Well-intentioned friends make comments like, Wow! Today its gloves; next month it could be snap-shut purses. I dont know what her inappropriate discipline looks like, but if she has ever struck your 5-year-old, of course you shouldnt allow her to be around him. Many parents feel this way (and its often true, too). Weve always had a guess about her sexuality though. When he does the work, hes lazy, resents having to do multiple steps on things, and doesnt follow directions well. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. Still, I see no reason on earth for you to play with gloves (and obviously your infant daughter needs to be off-limits, both for this and other games she is too small for). Theyre each individually nice people, but they are absolutely TERRIBLE together. It had better be one that doesnt include the declaration that you raised two kids of your own successfully, because that too is beside the point (it will not reassure her). No, Im sorry. How do I get over this? However, I still find it alarming. (Again, Im not going to weigh in on this, because its nobodys business but her own. Id suggest family therapy if I had any faith it would work, but Im sure at this point they just need to burn the relationship down and start over. The court in which we watch the jousting is floored with onyx in order to increase the courage of the combatants. All rights reserved. Friends either ignored us or avoided conversations about our new baby. How do we gently shut this down if it comes down to it? Photo illustration by Slate. (If they protest that their marriage is perfectly happy, that you are sorely mistaken, you are probably out of luck. He takes the bus to work, and often finds himself out of breath after walking up the same hill from the bus stop to our house that hes been walking up for 15 years. ( @carvellwallace) Interview Highlights From Our Callers Al, from. I am 100 percent certain that this dynamic existed long before you entered the family.